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Rory Gardiner's Webpage

20, Apr, 2010

Tuesday 20th April 2010


We are all on edge today, hearts beating faster, short of breathing, restless with exploding bubbles in our stomachs.  Rory’s MRI is at 5.15pm tonite.  This morning he was ready early pacing around outside at Whakapara.  He was couldn’t settle and was irritable.  He was keen to get on the road.  As hard as it is for us it is impossible to truly understand what it is like for Rory.  To be subject to unpleasant medical tests, to live with the knowledge cancer could return, treatment could resume, and life isn’t guaranteed.  I struggle with hope.  To hope sets you up for a potential fall, the injury sustained will be debilitating and you have to get up again without a recovery phase.  It frightens me.  I worry about whether good luck is finite, and we are only allocated so much in life.   If something works out for the better is it a trade off for something worse later on?  If I hope for too much, if I am too greedy, will it all come crashing down?  Fear permeates every cell of my being.  I fear we could still lose Rory, he could still die.  I’m not sure how I would survive it.  I don’t want to live life in fear, or for Rory to live this way so I refuse to let it gain strength, but rather than live in a state of hope I have found the place of denial.  I refuse to think there might be a negative outcome, that we will be returned to the state of last year.  I plow on with Rory’s recovery, with living life and rebuilding.  I’m not sure if this is the right way to cope but it’s the best I can do.  We are currently at RM House.  We will head up to Starship in a few minutes so Rory can get an iv line in his arm and blood tests done before the MRI.  We were late getting away this morning as Sean had a telephone interview with Taranaki Regional Council.  Rory and I escaped the tension of the house by walking up the road to feed the neighbours pig an apple. 

Yesterday (Monday) the boys were happy to be back at school, their faces lit up as they saw their mates.  There was much chatter as they shared news.  Rory has moved into newly refurbished Room 3, which looks fantastic.  Miss Hallett had obviously put in some hard work over the holidays.  The children’s work from Term 1 adorns the walls.  The school day started with assembly, and then class re-organisation.  Rory is now sitting at the front and has a spare desk beside him for me when I support him.  It is a good practical set up but I think he feels a bit isolated without immediate company, especially as Kody is now on the other side of the room.  I helped Rory work through a reading worksheet.  There was way too much information on it for him to digest so we covered most of it up and worked through section by section.  Rory worked incredibly slowly.  I was quite concerned.  It may be because he has had two weeks ‘off’.  The children had a session on statistics, working through pictograms on the board with the teacher.  The teacher set up a table in Rory’s book and he went around the class collecting data.  After morning tea the children practiced handwriting (letter J), and wrote an individual piece of descriptive writing on an activity from their holidays as an assessment.  Rory wrote a whole page but it was a bit jumbled.  I think he was confusing two experiences, and possibly didn’t understand what was asked of him.  I sat with him and read through it to see if he wanted to add or correct anything but he got upset and frustrated.  He said he was tired and didn’t know anything else.  It was beyond him.  I have taken a copy to show the Neuro-psychologist tomorrow, and it will be marked by an independent assessor.  The children prepared their homework books (maths and spelling), organised class room duties, and finished with a session in the library.  After school I took Sam and Matai out to Matai’s house as Sam is going to stay with the Newman’s for two nights while we are in Auckland (thank you Tracey for taking him under your wing).