Go to the limits of your longing

“Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror

Just keep going.  No feeling is final”

We watched the movie Jojo Rabbit with Rory and Colt.  The movie concludes with these lines from a poem called Go to the Limits of your Longing by Rainer Marie Rilke.  In the context of the movie the message is that love will conquer.  The poem further says even the most extreme experiences and emotions will not last.  Sometimes just keeping faith in the passage of time can relieve us from pain which threatens to overwhelm us.  This message resonated with me.  I feel worn down and overwhelmed by the task of caring for Rory and keeping him alive day after day.  The one thing I can do is keep on moving forward, one small step at a time.  It is often all I can do to prevent it from dragging me under.  I have to believe the situation we are in is temporary and that things will get better, for Rory, for me and for our family. 

We are back in Auckland.  Rory’s blood test on Tuesday showed his platelets had shot up to 143 and his neutrophils were 1.7.  The blood was taken from the port so it was a reliable result.  We needed to take advantage of the higher counts and return to Auckland promptly so Rory could have the doxorubicin.  We drove north yesterday morning.  For the first time we were pulled over by the Police at Pirongia who wanted to know why we were heading to Auckland.  The travel letter from Starship is almost unnecessary with Rory sitting in the back seat as living proof. 

Rory and I met with Dr Stephen yesterday afternoon.  Rory’s echocardiogram result showed his fractional shortening was 31.5%.  This is a measure of the contraction of the left ventricle of his heart.  The final dose of doxorubicin can be given if the measure is >28%.  Sean has taken Rory across to Starship this morning to get the first of two doses of doxorubicin.  Dexrazoxane is given first to protect Rory’s heart.  A second dose will be given tomorrow than the doxorubicin component of the MAP chemotherapy protocol will be completed.  Colt and I are in the Waldorf St Martins writing the blog and completing school work.